Tonight I went to the play Citizen Twain at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery. Citizen Twain is a one-man show written and performed by Val Kilmer, who is the star of one of my favorite comedies of all time, Top Secret, as well as the star of one of the two movies I reference frequently, but have actually never seen, The Real McCoy (the other being Sliding Doors). It was truly one of the most bizarre things I’ve ever seen. Val is dressed as later years Mark Twain with white hair in a white suit. Here are some highlights:
-Right off the bat, Mark Twain Val Kilmer makes a Batman Forever joke. You know, because we were in the Hollywood Forever Cemetary. You can just picture him writing it and being like, “I can’t NOT make a Batman Forever joke! People will be expecting it!”
-When he’s telling the story of Tom Sawyer white washing the fence he refers to the smell of blossoms in the air, and someone came up behind us and sprayed a can of air freshener. It was like we were THERE.
-He sang the entirety of “Old Man River.” I don’t know if this is reverse racism, but I reserve that song for black men with strong bass voices who wear suspenders. But that’s just me.
-He took a gander around the audience, and as he passed by me (I was sitting on the outside of the row) he TOUCHED MY SHOULDER. My friend Scott had bet me $20 before the show that he would touch one of the six of us who were there together. I said no way. I paid up. In turn, I bet that he would have a pithy ringing cellphone joke at the ready, but, alas, no cell phone rang. Did I mention he touched my shoulder? He did.